What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 01:44
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Do older women know what they want?
Im still living with it.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
She loved him until the end.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
She was in good health!
Especially a lifetime of it.
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Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Have you ever witnessed political correctness harm someone?
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
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When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I don,t even have a pension.
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As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
As i do to all so called friends.?
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Why do some of those who believe in a god refuse to consider the possibility they could be wrong?
I said to her
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
How do I seduce a maid for sex?
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I will be 64.
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But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Who then, do I blame.?
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I was seconnd youngest,
Where the ultimate outsiders.
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My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
My life is so biszare .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Ive learnt so much.
One cannot live in the past .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Comes on , in middle age.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I have no regrets .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
So, i spoilt her more .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
She married twice! .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I was very sick at this time too.
He resisted the act ,that day.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
(And it was in our own minds.)
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Put me off passion for life!!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
But, we were locked up after school.
When she asked me how she looked .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
It was going to be , some day.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But ive been too sick for many years..
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I couldn’t, believe it.
This is soul school!.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
So whats the point in blame.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
All the time i was locked up.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I write beautiful poetry .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Why did i forgive my father ?
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I think the readers, may guess!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
But it wasn’t much.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
My family never makes their pension either.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I waited trembling.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Would this be the day?
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
She wouldn,t have been !
Was to survive, this bastard.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
We were not on the streets..
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
We all went to grammer schools
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
He knew the spot.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
And i lived it daily.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
What did i know ?
She found it foreign!.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
This is how, and why children get BPD.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I was scared of men, in general
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I was 9 years of age.